Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Holding it together

I'm a master at holding it together. For a while.

Every now and then I erupt.

It might not take much - but when I reach the tipping point, I just can't help myself.

Once, in sacrament meeting, Kent started talking to me in a normal voice while the sacrament was being passed. I kept telling him to wait, but he kept talking. I started getting upset and had to actually walk out while the sacrament was still being passed, so I could go off and cry.

Usually, though, it's something like I have asked the girls to do something and asked them and asked them and they just don't do it, and eventually I start yelling and screaming. Or my eruption isn't even related to the problem - but something triggers it and I go off.

Sometimes it takes the form of not speaking to anyone (particularly the trigger).

I'm pretty good at not yelling since we moved to an apartment building, but I did slam my bedroom door the other day (can't even remember why, just that I was mad at Cayla).

It might show up when I am watching a TV show and something sad happens and I start blubbering.

But Mom is dying. Things seem to be progressing faster now (or regressing, depending on your POV). Her condition has declined and I really don't know how long she has on this earth.

My post yesterday addressed this. And since my posts go to my Facebook, my friends (and page subscribers) see them. So a friend commented - a nice comment that we are in her prayers (thank you, Brenda). And I'm already tearing up.

So, while I seem to be handling things "well" on the outside, or at least not having a melt-down, be warned. I am more tightly-wound than you might expect and I could go off at any moment, and I can't even predict what form it will take.

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