Monday, October 20, 2014

Headache and heartache

I watched this video this morning before getting ready for church, and lapsed into full-on sobbing.

Even now my eyes are welling up and I have a lump in my chest.

I miss my mom so much. All the distracting I did today to get my mind calmer is just not working now.

This morning, I learned that it's difficult to eat and shower while sobbing. I barely made it through sacrament meeting - I had to walk out during the intermediate hymn to compose myself. I had a headache from the crying earlier, and it's coming back now. After church, I learned that it's also difficult to drive in that condition.

It's been a year and a half since she died. I've been pretty good throughout it all, but a couple of days ago my train of thought went from me getting some cash at the bank, which used to be her account but she added me to it, then when she died, I took her off of it. I was thinking how handy it is to have an account so close to work, but I would give it up in a second to have more time with her.

Then I thought that I would shave my head to make a wig for her, if that would help. (She had a type of alopecia and as long as I could remember, she always wore a wig.) I would sacrifice in other ways, if it gave me more time with her.

But that's silly. I know Mom is beyond all that. There is a purpose to our lives, and she has gone to another part of her existence. Someday I will see her again. There is nothing that I can do to make it happen any sooner.

So, I will have to miss my mom. I will have to try harder to do what I know is needed to be able to see her again. I know there will be good days and bad days. It will be hard at times. It's hard right now.